Joke of the Week # 16

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

Neglected Bills

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

[Busted Knuckle]

ONCE A BAPTIST -- ALWAYS A BAPTIST

Bill Smith was the only Baptist to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, Bill was outside grilling a
big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were
eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and
decided that something had to be done about Bill, he was tempting them
to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They
decided to try and convert Bill to be a Catholic.

They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to
join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to
church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him and said, "You were
born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was
resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent
came and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to
their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a
grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!

WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet
over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of
Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see Bill standing over his grill
with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his
steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow,
and now you are a fish."

[Len Silva]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side.  He told the jeweller he was looking
for a special ring for his girlfriend.  The jeweller looked through his stock
and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check.

"I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and
you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Len

[kyle4501]

Q - What has 4 legs & 1 arm?

A - A pit bull   

[gumpy]

Q - What has fins and feet?

A - A shark.

[YeomansEagle]

The doctor said,



"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.   

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition,

Which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live < /SPAN>for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.  He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."  He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

A s Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? 

" Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha!  I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.  A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Lee Bradley]

A young executive was leaving the office at the end of the day, when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

"I just need one copy."

[HighTechRedneck]

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.  She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.  After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.  Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out ...

"JUST MY LUCK!  THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

[akbusguy2000]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she
had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the
key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter,
and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But,
just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"