O/T OFF TOPIC SUBJECTS

[bubbaqgal]

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ......... "HEBREWS"

[Hartley]

Gone Fishing!



A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses.  You gotta understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile.  Then, when I w histle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey!  Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said,

"It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH", replied the warden!

"What fish?", replied the redneck.


Moral: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees!

[jjrbus]

Subject: They walk among us!

walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us and many work retail.

===================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They Walk among us!

====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and h as for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told her, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." She responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up . She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

===================

AND........ they reproduce!

[captain ron]

Dr.Dave in the comedy business we call that "HACKING" when someone tells a joke the week before and you change a few words and tell the same joke.

[Ednj]

> FAMILY
>
> Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
night
> the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
> yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
> The
> 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
> starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
> The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
> to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get

> that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure.
> " She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
> who's at the door."
>
> _______________________________________________
> "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
>
> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine
> March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
> second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So
> am I. Let's have a beer."
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> WHAT A CHOICE
>
> A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing

> home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and
> say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
> Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a
> moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
> ____________________________________________
> OLD FRIENDS
>
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years,
> they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
> activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
> cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
> and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a
> long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
> thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
> Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
> and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
>
> _____________________________________________
> SENIOR DRIVING
>
> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang.
> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
> just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
> Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just
> one car. It's hundreds of them!"
> ______________________________________________
> DRIVING
>
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could
barely
> see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
> intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
> The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
    it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
> After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and
   the light was red again.
>
> Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat
was
> almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
> she was losing it.!
> She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough,
the
> light was red and they went on through. So, she tur ned to the other
> woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three
> redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
>
> Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
> ______________________________________________________
>
> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
> situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
> The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Ma'am, an officer is on the
way."
> A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
>
> "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
>
>
> TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US, PLEASE!!!!

[Dallas]

> FAMILY
>
> Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house....
> "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
>
> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine
> March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
> second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So
> am I. Let's have a beer."
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> WHAT A CHOICE
>
> A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing....
> ____________________________________________
> OLD FRIENDS
>
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the .....

> _____________________________________________
> SENIOR DRIVING
>
> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone.....
> ______________________________________________
> DRIVING
>
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could.....
_______________
>
> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that.....

> TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US, PLEASE!!!!

Ed,
It's probably already to late.

After all, As I was fixing.... , ummmm, unh, welll, hmmmmm.   

[Hartley]

Dr.Dave in the comedy business we call that "HACKING" when someone tells a joke the week before and you change a few words and tell the same joke.

I am NOT,, That came to me via email from my wife who got it from someone else who probably got it from someone else...

Hey... I ain't that original anyway...

I do know how to copy and paste with the best however......

Grrr...... Cap'n Crunch ( oops Ron... ).....

[bubbaqgal]

Sorry, Dr. Dave....gotta defend Ron.  He posted that joke, with a few minor changes, on March 9th.  LOL

[Kristinsgrandpa]

Perplexing Situation

I am writing to you to ask for your help in shedding light on a perplexing situation I find myself contemplating. I have selected you as a group to aid me because you have known me for years, and I value your opinion. Your religious experiences are varied and that is important to the problem I am faced with.

Over the years, we have all observed the seemingly random factors that affect all of our lives, sometimes without apparent rhyme or reason. We have seen some marriages dissolve over nothing and others grow stronger under adverse conditions. We have seen fate play a role in who survives critical illnesses and who succumbs to them. We have all seen good people suffer great misfortunes while some people of low character thrive. In our lifetime, we have seen Churches and Religious institutions all around the world become revised, televised, energized and even scandalized. We are all well aware that a higher power has control of nearly all things.

Personally, I have stood in the doorway of a 7/11 in Atlanta, amid a shootout between the police and a gunman and walked away unscathed. On a golf course, I saw a lightning bolt strike a man dead while those of us nearby where untouched. We all watched as Hurricane Katrina ravaged some areas of the coast and left other nearby homes standing intact. The enormity of these random and seemingly unfair applications of good or bad fortune is at the core of my dilemma.

I have studied sacred writings of all major religions searching for an answer, and now I pose the question to you:

I cannot fathom that the highest power in this universe could take Anna Nicole from us and leave Hillary behind.... 


Ed.

[DrivingMissLazy]

Well said ED. well said.
Richard

[HighTechRedneck]

I cannot fathom that the highest power in this universe could take Anna Nicole from us and leave Hillary behind.... 

And in that vein, it has been commonly reported that Hillary was not well liked by the Secret Service staff at the White House and sometimes was verbally abusive at them as well as her husband, the President.

Bill and Hillary Clinton were at the first baseball game of the season one year and of course were surrounded by Secret Service agents.  As the players were heading onto the field, the senior agent whispered something into the ear of the President.  Bill got a big smile on his face, then stood up and threw Hillary over the railing onto the field.  He turned back to the agents and high fived them and they patted him on the back.  Except for the senior agent who again leaned over to the President and whispered "Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first pitch!"

[NJT 5573]

Bill and Hillary went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented  a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than Bill had ever experienced before. But as the labor  progressed, Bill felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to the 20% pain transfer. Bill was still feeling fine. The doctor checked Bill's blood pressure and was amazed how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. Bill continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out Hillary considerably, Bill encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him, and Hillary delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. Hillary and Bill were estatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

[Hartley]

Sorry, Dr. Dave....gotta defend Ron.  He posted that joke, with a few minor changes, on March 9th.  LOL

Then " That's the pot calling the kettle black "... I never saw it, He apparently was not the originator either.

Mary said she thought it was a rework from years ago which as things go is normal.

Gee, Then all the while I was thinking that all the TV shows and Movies with the name " Captain Ron " were "OUR"
Captain Ron..

I wondered why " This Captain Ron " didn't resemble Kurt Russell  or the guy that does the fishing show... Hmmmmmm....

DrDave ( superimposed,doppleganger,often duplicated but never originated copy of someone else )... heheeeee....

[akbusguy2000]

A little lady at the rest home says to the man sitting next to her: "Ill bet I can guess your age."

The man says: "I doubt it."

"Stand up" she says.

He does.

"Turn around" she says.

He does.

"Drop your pants" she says.

He does.

"You're 89" she says.

"Thats right, how do you know" he says.

"You told me yesterday"


Disclaimer:  I didn't make this one up, I don't remember where I heard it, and I'm reasonably sure it hasn't been posted on this board previously.

tg

[bubbaqgal]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He
slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two
strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the
pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.