OT Airline Humor

[Lee Bradley]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a st op at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your se at belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady s aid, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the te rminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New Y ork to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talk ing to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine.

[Len Silva]

Cool!

Years ago, Piedmont flew DC-3's on the puddle jumpers through the Carolinas.  Seemed like they landed about every 50 miles.  After the third or forth rough landing the stewardess said "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until the captain regains control of the aircraft"  One of my more memorable flights.

Len

[Kristinsgrandpa]

Please keep in mind that I didn't write this, I just copied it.


Rednecks

A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.

Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.

The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.

How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

Tennessee has a new $3,000,000State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.

The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.

An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?" 


Ed.

[JackConrad]

A man and woman get married in Arkansas, them move to New York and get divorced. Are they still brother & sister? 

[captain ron]

You guys are killing me  What did you guy's do dust off the old commadore 64's and look at some old jokes you had stored on floppy disks? 

[RJ]

On my recent trip to Arcadia, we flew Southwest both directions.

The cabin crew on the Sacramento - Chicago leg EB was highly entertaining:

When describing the seat belt, we were told that these belts were also an excellent restraint device for your children, and to please use them for such purposes - the tighter the better.

As one flight attendant was demonstrating the oxygen mask, the feed tube pulled out of the unit.  Without missing a beat, the attendant who was making the announcement intoned that "as you can see, Southwest provides equipment in perfect condition for it's customer's use in case of an emergency."

Throughout the flight, as the crew went about their business, you could often hear laughter from the passengers as they interacted with the crew.

Touching down at Chicago Midway, the pilot really has to use significant reverse thrust to slow the aircraft due to the shorter runways.  During this time, one of the cabin crew came on the PA and we heard: "Whoa, Nellie, Whoa!  Come on girl, whoa!  You can do it, Whoa Nellie, Whoa!"  As soon as we hit taxi speed and the plane pulled off the main runway, we then heard the same attendant making clip clop noises like a horse walking.  Quite amusing, and lots of chuckles from the passengers.

On our flight from Midway to Tampa, on final approach, the latch that holds the seat tray in the up position broke on our row, so the tray wouldn't stay up.  However, Ms MacGyver was onboard as one of the cabin crew, and here is a photo of her hi-tech repair:

[Kristinsgrandpa]

OK Ron try these for some newer material........

Cowboy Fans. Maybe next year they will do better.

Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The DALLAS COWBOYS.

Q: What do the Dallas Cowboysand Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep a Dallas Cowboys out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Dallas in case of a tornado?
A: To Texas Stadium - they never get a touchdown there!

Q: What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a new Super Bowl ring?
A: a thief.

Q: Why was Jerry Jones upset when the Dallas Cowboy's play book Was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q: What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar Bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q: What do the Dallas Cowboys and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.



Ed.

[HighTechRedneck]

As a Dallas Cowboys fan I have to say Ouch!  And these last few years I would have to agree.  So, here is one more:

Q: What is the best defensive play to use against Dallas Quarterback Tony Romo?
A: Put Carrie Underwood in a front row seat.

Anyone who saw the Cowboys-Eagles game Christmas Day understands.     

OK Ron try these for some newer material........

Cowboy Fans. Maybe next year they will do better.

Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The DALLAS COWBOYS.

Q: What do the Dallas Cowboysand Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep a Dallas Cowboys out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Dallas in case of a tornado?
A: To Texas Stadium - they never get a touchdown there!

Q: What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a new Super Bowl ring?
A: a thief.

Q: Why was Jerry Jones upset when the Dallas Cowboy's play book Was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q: What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar Bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q: What do the Dallas Cowboys and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.



Ed.

[captain ron]

OK Ron try these for some newer material........
Ed.

Nice try Ed, But you can't disguise an old joke by using a different team......Sorry Ed

[Busted Knuckle]

Do ya know why Oklahoma doesn't have a professional foot ball team?
Because then Dallas would want one too!

BK 

[edvanland]

Most of the above applies to the Phoenix Cardinals.  They could be beat by a pop waren football team.  No I am not a football fan, but it is sure embersing for the state of Arizona to have all these highly paid, overrated players, be it what ever sport.
ED
MCI 7