Joke of the week #27

[Lee Bradley]

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the Winners

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a
spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

[DrivingMissLazy]

7 reasons why you should think before you speak.  Have you ever
spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or
that you could craw into a hole?  Here are the Testimonials of a few
people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and
a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My
husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds
of golf balls.  I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. 
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.  He asked if he could help
me.  Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.  As we were looking at the
display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh
hysterically.  The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. 
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.  I was finally able
to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other patrons.  I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she
would be punished.  To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange.  Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times?  My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and was on him constantly.  One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in between errands.  It was very busy, with a full dining room. 
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I
checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.  Then I realized
that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he
needed to go, and he said "No".  I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has
had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"  "No," he replied.  I
just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.  Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and
spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people
nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants
and sat down.  An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

SIXTH TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.  What happens when you predict snow but
don't get any!  We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

SEVENTH TESTIMONY: Another guy and I were at work one evening and it
was getting late and most of the office had emptied out. The outside door
o the parking lot opened up and one of the girls from the office came back i
to the office. Looking a bit flustered she blurted out: "(sigh), Do either of you
guys want to jump me??". The other guy looked at me, I looked at him,
we both looked at her and just smiled, not a word was said.   She turned the
most beautiful shade of scarlett.

[WEC4104]

SEVENTH TESTIMONY:

Another guy and I were at work one evening and it was getting late and most of the office had emptied out. The outside door to the parking lot opened up and one of the girls from the office came back into the office. Looking a bit flustered she blurted out: "(sigh), Do either of you guys want to jump me??".     The other guy looked at me, I looked at him, we both looked at her and just smiled, not a word was said.   She turned the most beautiful shade of scarlett.

[DrivingMissLazy]

Thanks. I'll add it.
Richard

[Kristinsgrandpa]

Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't need to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"

Ed