Joke of the week # 24

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

I own the fastest car
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

[Ednj]

Why Dear Abby Only Prints Letters From Women?
Maybe this is why it seems only women's letters to Abby are printed....
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?


I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went
berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why
was I checking up on her.


Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again
and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?
Thanks,

[akbusguy2000]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart.
So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in  which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon,
which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs  were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded  to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called  to his wife,
"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in  the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

[Kristinsgrandpa]

A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the OSU/Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the South Stands-- he was closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."

Now, very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the OSU / Michigan game and not use it?" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad, " said Bob. "But you couldn't find a friend or relative to come with you?" The man replied, "No. They're all at the funeral." 

[Kristinsgrandpa]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid,
stand
up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you
think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[Brill-o]

A bus-nut is drinking in a bar, when he gets a call on his cell-phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear-to-ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife had produced a typical bus-nut baby boy weighing 25 pounds and delivered it in their coach!   
     
Now, nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the bus-nut just shrugs, and says "That's about average in our group folks-......like I said, my boy's a typical bus-nut child."   
     
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"!
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains-   
     
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.   
     
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical bus-nut baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth-- Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
So how much does he weigh now??"   
     
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."   
     
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious-

"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"   
     
The bus-nut father takes a long swig of his Corona, wipes his lips on his
Shirt-sleeve, leans to the bartender and proudly says.....   



   
     "We had him circumcised."




(Names were withheld to protect the envious... )

Cheers..