Joke of the week #21

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

There is something wrong with this world!

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .


Now, should the butcher send a bill to the lawyer for the 25 min's it took him to read and understand the lawyer's invoice?  and so on... and so on....

[kyle4501]

This is a story about a wife whose husband suddenly "replaced her" with another woman. She spent the first day packing her belongings.

On the second day, she had the movers come and pack her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. Then she left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... including the curtain rods!

Never, NEVER, under-estimate the wrath of a woman scorned!

[DrivingMissLazy]

4 guys telling stories in a bar; 1 guy leaves to
go to the restroom, 3 guys are left.
First guy says, "I was worried that my son was
gonna be a loser because he started out washing
cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he
got a break, they made him a salesman, and he
sold so many cars that he bought the dealership.
In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his
best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too
because he started out raking leaves for a
realtor. Turns out he got a break, they made him
a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought
the real estate firm. In fact, HE's so successful
that he just gave his best friend a new house for
his birthday.

Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started
out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well He
got a break, they made him a broker, and now he
owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich
that he just gave his best friend $1 million in
stock for his birthday."

Fourth guy comes back from the rest room. The
first 3 explain that they are telling stories
about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm
embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major
disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser
and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In
fact I just found out that he's gay and has
SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the
bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new
Mercedes, a new House and $1 Million in stock
for his birthday."

[akbusguy2000]

A forlorn and orphaned rabbit, blind from birth, is wandering about the forest in search of his identity when he bumps into a snake, also blind and in the same predicament.  "What are you"? asks the rabbit.  "I don't know" replies the snake, where upon the rabbit explains that he has the same problem. 

So they agree to explore each other's features and that way they can find out about themselves.  First the snake slithers around the rabbit, feeling him all over, and says: "Well, you have long floppy ears, big feet and a twitchy nose - I think you're a rabbit."   So grateful was the rabbit that he jumped with joy - and then began to return the favor.  After five minutes of exploring the snake, he finaly said "Aha - I have it.  You are cold and sllimy, and you have no balls - you must be a lawyer."

[BusCrazyTom]

Akbusguy, we tell that one in my business with a different punchline, but it works for lawyers as well!

Tom

[rayshound]

It happened at the Denver Airport.

I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Screw You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too.

[rayshound]

I've seen these before but some are just so funny, I'm sending em out in case you haven't.





These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things  people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY:     Are you sexually active? WITNESS:    No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY:  What is your date of birth? WITNESS:      July 18th.

ATTORNEY:  What year?

WITNESS:      Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:       Yes.

ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:       I forget.

ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY:   How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS:      Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY:   How long has he lived with you? WITNESS:      Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS:      He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you? WITNESS:     My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS:      We both do.

ATTORNEY:   Voodoo?

WITNESS:      We do.

ATTORNEY:   You do? WITNESS:      Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:      Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:      Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:     Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:      Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:      Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   She had three children, right? WITNESS:      Yes.

ATTORNEY:   How many were boys? WITNESS:      None.

ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:       By death.

ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual? WITNESS:      He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:      No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:       All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS:      Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined the  body?

WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:      No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:      Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:       No.

ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:       No.

ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing? WITNESS:       No.

ATTORNEY:   So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS:       No.

ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:       Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[DrivingMissLazy]

Some more from the same people I believe:

They Walk Among Us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so
he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
> >
> >       Caution...
> >
> >       They Walk Among Us
> >       ====================
> >
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
> >
> >       They Walk Among Us!
> >       ====================
> >
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.  I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".
> >
> >       They Walk Among Us!
> >       ====================
> >
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". .
> >
> >       They Walk Among Us!
> >       ====================
> >
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
> >
> >       They Walk Among Us!
> >       =====================
> >
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.  Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
> >
> >       They Walk Among Us!
> >       ====================
> >
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
> >
> >       They Walk Among Us!
> >       ====================
> >
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
> >
> >       They Walk Among Us!
> >       ====================
> >
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
> >
>       Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.
> >       ====================
> >
They walk among us, AND reproduce!

[Ncbob]

And they're called Liberals!

Bob

[brojcol]

Oh Bob, I love you man!!!

[Dallas]

Cat and I were going back home in our truck a few years back and stopped at some little backroad cafe for breakfast. You know the type of place, where all the farmers and old guys gather every morning for coffee and local chatter.

We were taking up a booth sipping our coffee and waiting for our breakfast to arrive when we noticed a couple of guys sitting at the counter across from us.

Here's how the conversation went:

First Farmer, (reading obituaries in local paper): Ya' know, people are dieing today that have never died before!

Second Farmer: Yep.

First Farmer: And if they did, I sure never heard about it!

Needless to say, it was everything we could do to keep from spitting coffee everywhere in a burst of laughter!

Dallas

[DrivingMissLazy]

West Virginia Stuff

The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from West Virginia University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those West Va. women.
*****************************
A group of WV friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked."Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
**********************************
A senior in West Virginia was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in West Virginia." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in West Virginia  because everything happens in West Virginia 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
*********************************
The young man from WV came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
*************************************************************
NEWS FLASH! - West Va.'s worst air disaster occurred! when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Indiana students,
crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.!
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
****************************************************************
A WV State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-79. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
**************************************************************** !
And My Favorite
A man in WV had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as! he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He ask ed the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in th e back! I never did understand it either"







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   

[RTS/Daytona]

NEW ELEMENT FOUND!

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named 'Governmentium'. Governmentium (Gv) Has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.