Joke of the Week #18

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

Maybe not a joke but, Funny

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!

[rayshound]

Is Your Boss Dumb?


A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking
for
people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
Here are
the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks" (This was the winning
quote
from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be
used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one
will
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it
for
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when
it's
time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, 3M Corp.)

6. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
(CIO of Dell Computers)

7. "Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I
say.'"
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I
told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.'"
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to
discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. "We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This
is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject
mentioned
above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. "One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He
said 'If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to
ask for
it!'"
(New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. "As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
reviewing
our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo
one
of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of
the
training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that
the
executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in
her
company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand
that I
be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager
was
fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and
made
a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry.
He
would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came
out
directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday
newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In
accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by
pasting
words together from the Sunday paper."
(Taco Bell Corporation)
       
 

[Lee Bradley]

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
 
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
 
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
 
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
 
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
 
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism,  it's your Count that votes.
 
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
 
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 
 
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
 
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you  A-flat miner.
 
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
 
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully  recovered.
 
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in  Linoleum Blownapart.
 
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
 
15. He would often have to break into song because he couldn't  find the key.
 
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
 
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. 
 
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
 
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 
 
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
 
21. A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small  medium at large.
 
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in  the end.
 
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 
 
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
 
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought  she'd dye !!!
 
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
 
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
 
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[Kristinsgrandpa]

2005's Best Headlines:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Tempertures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead