Joke of the week #15

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

Bar Cop

There was this policeman who liked to stake out bars for an easy job by watching the drunks and then arresting them. After a while, a man came out and starting walking to his car. The man could not keep his balance and fell down several times. He finally found his car after wandering the carpark for a few minutes. The man tried to open his door but couldn't insert the key properly. The policeman was thinking to himself that this dude was clearly drunk. The man put the key in the ignition and sat there in his car. He blinked a few times and then did nothing. The policeman goes up to him and pulls him out of his car. The policeman orders the man to breathe into the breathalyser. It reads 0.0. The cop is puzzled and says:"I'm sorry, but I think that this piece of $#!% is broken." The man replies:"I doubt it, I'm the designated decoy."


Feel free to add your own jokes... Keep em clean.....

[ghanson]

This isn't exactly a joke, but it is kind of a touching story....

                                                                An Elephant's Memory - Touching Story

     In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

    The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

    As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

     The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

      Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.  Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

     The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.  The elephant did  that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

      Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

     He walked right up to the elephant  and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant  trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. 

     Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Moof]

I think Dave Siegel was looking for some computer help with his laptop.  I hope this wasn't his!!

[kyle4501]

A professor is trying to teach a class on sex-ed & is having difficulty in keeping the students attention as most of them are not taking it seriously.

So he decides to put the cute blonde in the class on the spot by asking her a personal question.

"Do you know what your @$$-hole is doing when you have an orgasm?"

The blonde replies "gee, I've never thought about it. If I had to guess, I'd say he is playing golf"

[Len Silva]

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[kyle4501]

"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with maw and paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, ifn you want to borry one.

Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, then said;

"You'd have to talk to Pa about that. If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

[Lee Bradley]

Lipstick  in School


(You've got to love this principal)
According to a news report, a certain  private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.  A  number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on  in the
bathroom.



        That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they  would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.   Every night
the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls
would put them back. 


        Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. 


        She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you
can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).


  To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
        maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled  squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are  teachers.... and then there are educators. 

[akbusguy2000]

One day the third grade teacher decided it would be good to have the students each get up and say a few words about something.  It would help them get aquainted, and maybe it would relieve some of the stress any of them might have.

So she asked the students to each stand up and tell the class what their father did.  Nancy got up and told how her father was a doctor and brought babies into the world - he was really important.  Sarah's father was a policeman and equally important - he put bad people lin jail.  And so it went around the room until it came to Johnny, who balked at the whole idea.  But with some prodding and humoring, the teacher finally got Johnny to say: "My dad's dead!"

Of course the teacher was very embarassed, and she felt bad for poor Johnny having to say this.  So, in order to help him on and maybe not feel too embarassed about it, she said:  "Well, Johnny, I'm sure we are all very sorry to hear that, but perhaps you could tell us what your father did before he died."

At which Johnny replied: "He turned blue and $#!% all over the carpet."

   

[Ncbob]

This is not a joke...but a true life experience.  For many of you, you won't know that a Marine "head" (toilet) won't swallow mant of the items most people throw into them.

Many years ago, when I was working on private yachts, I was advised that the Master head had a problem.  For sake of clarification these marine toilets we had were  "Cooper Heads" which meant that they worked much like the same as commercial toilets today.  A simple flush and, "Whoosh", it was gone.  Except that it all went into holding tanks..which aren't as forgiving as sewer sytems......

The owners' youngest daughter put one of those 'things, with a string', down the head and it decided it wouldn't take it.  I was asked to see about the blockage, and wrapping a plastic bag around my arm, delved into the mass of hinterlands and found the culprit.

Having daughters of my own, I had secreted a 'baggie' in my hip pocket and carefully placed the culprit tinot the baggie and carefully placed the offending item  upon her pillow........

While she and I didn't have much to say to each other for the few following days...I was never asked to repeat my chore.

NCbob