OH: Humor: Can't find parts

[bubbaqgal]

I was living in the mountains in Tennessee  when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient ACF Brill . He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the bus broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1939 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "ACF -HUH?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Busted Knuckle Garage. "Bryce" I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1939 ACF Brill??"

There was a long pause. Finally, Bryce cleared his throat. "Yup," he replied. "Oil."

[Busted Knuckle]

Kool!

[pipes]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.




ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:      No, I just lie there.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS:        Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:       I forget.
ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS:    He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:    My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do.
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?
WITNESS:      None.
ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?
WITNESS:     Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death.
ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:  Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:  Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS:      All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would
you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
WITNESS:      Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:      No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:  Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

[Hartley]

Arrrrrrrrrrr- Matey......


That is so OLD it needs a Shave and a Haircut.....

[DrivingMissLazy]

Arrrrrrrrrrr- Matey......
That is so OLD it needs a Shave and a Haircut.....

Yea, but still good, huh!

Richard