OT So you want to drive in New Jersey...Here's How!

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

And this is Not a joke.....
Nick-



New Jersey Driving Instructions


1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it, and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY or Del plates. With no insurance, the other Operator probably has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is Important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

15. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.


Thank You,
The New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles

[larryc]

And I thought that was Georgia Law!?

[BusCrazyTom]

Aw, shucks! It's the law of the land!

BusCrazyTom the Analog Dinosaur

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

OK, This one is from only Jersians.....


YOU MIGHT BE FROM JERSEY IF...



* You don't understand why there aren't more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country.

* You know what a Wawa is, and know the location of at least 15 of them.

* You think a mountain is that big freakin' hill in Atlantic Highlands.

* You know Asbury Park is no longer the mecca of East Coast resort towns.

* Even though there's a new Wal-Mart in your town, you still go to the Englishtown Auction for cheap stuff.

* You can name all the flavors of salt water taffy.

* Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May.

* You buy Shop-Rite brand food at Shop-Rite.

* You can smell and know when it's low tide.

* The Jets/Giants game has started fights at your school and/or local bar.

* There are no self serve gas stations and you like it that freakin' way... "yous gotta problem wit dat?"

* You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage.

* You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.

* You know what skeeball is and you can get three 50's in a row.

* You think the Olive Garden is crap and should have never opened any restaurants in New Jersey.

* You've run out of money on the Parkway.

* You're Italian.

* You know where to get the best bagels and pizza.

* Donald Trump is mentioned at least daily in your local paper.

* You say "water" weird. (Wooder, Cawfee, Dowg, wadever).

* Even your school made good Italian subs.

* You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami or volcano.

* You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.

* You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros.creation.

* You only go to New York City for day trips.

* You know what a "jug handle" is.

* You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.

* You've eaten a pork roll and cheese on a hard roll...and like it.

* You go to at least one parade at the boardwalk each year.

* You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in New Jersey if the Nets didn't blow,"

* You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring)!

* In high school, you worked at a Friendly's.

* Route 18 doesn't freak you out at night.

* Because your town was founded before 1776, all the restaurants, taverns and shops have "ye," "olde," and "colonial" in their names.

* You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.

* You once said, "It smells like New York in here."

* You've waited for the damn drawbridge for more than 20 damn minutes.

* At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen.

* There's a fruit and vegetable stand down the road.

* "Anyone who makes bad pizza can go to hell" is your attitude.

* You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word "damn" while driving.

* You don't take any $#!% from anybody. Especially from someone from New York, because you live here for christ's sake and just who the hell do they think they are anyway? Invading our damn beaches and bars, they're just here for the damn summer and they think they own the damn place and....

* You've gone to the race track with twenty different daily double bets from twenty different people.

* You've spent St Patrick's day in Belmar.

* You know that there are bakeries which are not part of a supermarket, but actual individual stores.

* You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast.

* One time, a sea gull $#!% on your head.

* You've eaten at a Windmill, drunk off your @$#, at 3am at least a dozen times.

* You know what a "benny" is and can pick one out at the beach.

* You've planned a local trip around ensuring you pass at least one Dunkin' Donuts.

* You're an aggressive driver.

* At least 5 people in your immediate family have asthma.

* Your drinking water should not be used for drinking.

* Your town has more water restrictions than people living in "dry" states i.e. Arizona, and Nevada.

* Potholes are as common as mosquitoes.

* You believe pigeons carry hand guns.

[Kristinsgrandpa]

Becoming Illegal
("Actual letter" from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)


The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.
Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald R
Burlington, IA



Ed.

[Hartley]

About it.....

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

Man..... Thats COLD!   

Nick-