Joke to start the week....

[Hartley]

The Cat...

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local
cab company and requested a taxi.The taxi arrived and we opened

the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, 
scoots back  into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house
because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi,
while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be
empty for the night.So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, I get into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.

"That stupid b**ch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a
coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed
her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and, threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car... 

[Kristinsgrandpa]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


Ed

[HighTechRedneck]

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

and those numbers represent percentages and are additive,

then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and,

B-U-L-L-S-_-_-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and, look how far butt kissing will take you.

B-U-T-T-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
2+21+20+20+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 151%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the BS and butt kissing that will put you over the top and on your way to a raise.

(DISCLAIMER:  This is only a joke, I have nothing but respect for those who work extra hard in their jobs and go well beyond what is generally considered 100%.)

[Jeremy]

Ok, on a similar vein, here is another mathematical proof:



Jeremy

[bubbaqgal]

 
Announcement from Apple Computers

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The I-Breast will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are
always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to
them.

Cat

[DrivingMissLazy]

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her
for a couple of dollars for dinner. 

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked,
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said.   "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.  In-
stead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless woman was astounded.  "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that?  I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

[DrivingMissLazy]

Retirement Choices - Where To Live
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1.  You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3.  You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 
4.  You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5.  You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6.  The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1.  You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2.  The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 
4.  You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 
5.  When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...
1.  You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2.  You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4.  You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5.  You've worn out a car horn.
6.  You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1.  You only have four spices:  salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 
3.  You have more than one recipe for moose. 
4.  Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 
5.  The four seasons are:  winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in Texas where...
1.  You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2.  "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3.  "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
4.  Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1.  You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2.  You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3.  A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4.  The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1.  You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 
4.  You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5.  When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

Or You can live in Florida where..
1.  You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.  All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 
3.  Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4.  Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 
5.  Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

[Kristinsgrandpa]

DML:  Richard, I really liked that one.

I won't know where I'm going to retire till JJ buys some property.

Ed

[rayshound]

 




Home Depot

> >
> > Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent
> > his wife, Mary, to Home Depot.
> >
> > At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was
> > waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt
> > was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?"
> >
> > Walt replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."
> >
> > "My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.
> >
> > Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy,
> > and Walt went to the back room to find it.  From the back room Walt
>yelled,
> > "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
> >
> > Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
> >
> > This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

[rayshound]

  Catholic Parrots
>
>
> A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
> problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
> thing.
>
> "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
>
> They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
>
> "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment
> "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
> I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read
> the Bible. "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put
> them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.   My parrots can teach your
> parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying
> that phrase in no time."
>
> "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution."
>
> The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
> As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
> their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
>
> Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in
> with them.
>
> After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
> "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
>
> There was stunned silence.
>
> Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
> exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank,  our prayers have been
answered!"

[Lee Bradley]

NEW WORDS FOR 2007: 
   
   Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace 
   
   1 BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
   was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. 
   
   2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
   on everything, and then leaves. 
   
   3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
   advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

   
   4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming
   upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. 
   
   5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles. 
   
   6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
   cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 
   
   7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to couch potato. 
    
   8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
   Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to
   stay home with the kids. 
   
   9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
   whiny. 
   
   10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
   because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 
   
   11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
   workplace. 
   
   12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying
   but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. 
    
   13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of
   an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this
   to my computer------ 
   
   14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
   above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are
   often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
   designed to solve. 
   
   15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message
   "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located. 
   
   16.  GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
   same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
   subdivisions. 
   
   17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
   that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email
   by mistake). 
   
   18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks 
   
   19. Crop Dusting: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a
   cubefarm. 
   
   - Author Unknown 

Hope to be WOOFS