Joke of the week #26

[Lee Bradley]

PUN INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you, "says
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't - I've cut
off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your
kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked,
as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open
foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which
made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him
a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Kristinsgrandpa]

Exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727? "


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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"




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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 la nded. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
G round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."


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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"


Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"



Ed.

[gumpy]

I like the Deja Moo one. 

I get that feeling a lot while reading this board! 

[DrivingMissLazy]

Barbara, a rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing.  She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel.

It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long.  She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof.  Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday"

"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated...  "Have you been following me around?  And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me?  I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."

[JerryH]

A penguin experiencing some brake problems takes his car to a mechanic.
The mechanic tells the penguin he'll look at it and to stop back in 15-20:minutes.
The penguin uses the time to buy an ice cream cone across the street at an ice cream parlor.
Well you know, penguins don't have arms and hands, so eating the ice cream cone was no small feat for him and he ended up wearing much of it.
Returning to the garage, the penguin said to the mechanic, "...so, what do you think?" 
The mechanic responds, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"IT WAS ICE CREAM!", The penguin replied with frustration.

[akbusguy2000]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's  morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but  feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however,  when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw  his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned  and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny.  He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of  Mildred's  house... walked home.... and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.

[JerryH]

To: Kristinsgrandpa

Loved those pilot/tower exchanges.
Funny!!

Jerry H.

[Runcutter]

In the vein of Lee's initial post.

A fellow had to drive across the country on a mission to save some dolphins.  They were special dolphins, that could live forever.  The only problem was that they were on the Pacific coast, and, to survive, had to eat seagulls from the Atlantic shore - thus the trip.  He had a real risk on the last leg of the trip - to deliver the birds to the dolphins, he had to pass through a lions' habitat.  Thinking of how to do this, and survive himself, he decided to tiptoe through the lions' lair soon after they'd eaten, when they'd be just laying in the sun.

On doing so, though, he was arrested.  The charge was a violation of the Mann Act.  To wit:  "Transporting gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises."

(I hope this one doesn't cost me my membership here!)

Arthur Gaudet  Carrollton, TX

[Moof]

 It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing
   Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the
   famed hypnotist do his stuff.

   As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
   "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put
   into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

   The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
   antique pocket watch from his coat.

   "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a
   very special watch - it's been in my family for six generations. He
   began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanti ng,
   "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.."

   The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
   light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
   followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly...

    ..it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
     breaking into a hundred pieces.

   "Crap!" said the Hypnotist.


   ..........It took three weeks to clean up the Senior Center.