Joke of the week #22

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

Temperatures

60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on. 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat. 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert. 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming. 35 degrees - Italians cars don't start. 32 degrees - Water freezes. 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia. 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming. 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south. 15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you. 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going. 5 degrees - American cars don't start. 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts. -10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside. -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist. -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start. -25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going. -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start. -40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South. -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window. -80 degrees - Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game. -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. -100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells all. Kenneth Starr moves in with Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations to Panama.

[HighTechRedneck]

-110 - Global warming activists switch back to their original global cooling theories and blame the chill on diesel engines.

[larryh]

By now you have all heard about the border problems here is upper Michagan's answer to border patrol

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

And the Bears don't even need Guns......

By now you have all heard about the border problems here is upper Michagan's answer to border patrol

[larryh]

Proof of GLOBAL WARMING

[Ednj]

>   BEST JOKE
>
>   "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
>   "Yes. What can I do for you?"
>   "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
>   marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
>   them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
>   "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
>   The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
>   search the shed where the firewood is kept.
>   Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
>   They sneer at Virgil and leave.
>   Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
>   "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"
>   "Yeah!"
>   "Did they chop your firewood?"
>   "Yep!"
>   "Merry Christmas, buddy!"
>   (Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

[edvanland]

Just goes to show you us old country boys know how to get some one else to do our work.
ED
MCI 7 in the country

[gumpy]

Reminds me of another one...

The good ole boy was sitting in the pokey for armed robbery but they caint find the money. So they lets im have a phone call. He calls the ole lady to let her know he aint gonna be home fer awhile. She starts complaining that now she'll have to dig up the garden by herself to get it ready for plantin. He tells her, "Don't go diggin up that thar garden, woman. That's whar I done hid all dat money I stoled."

Next day she come to visit him and tells him how nice them government men are. Yesterday, a whole bunch of them peoples come by and dug up that whole garden for her so she could git to plantin.

[DrivingMissLazy]

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason:

"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!  I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman, KS. ______________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City! ______________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala. _______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS ___________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a goodbye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.

She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."

Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."

Not another word was spoken.  We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments. ________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back Into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less. ____________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi! _______________________________________________________

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE!

[HighTechRedneck]

Then of course there is the tragic story of the pickup truck with 3 aggies in the front seat and 4 more in the bed of the truck when it accidentally went into the lake.  Unfortunately the 4 in the back drowned because they couldn't get the taligate open.

[Lee Bradley]

This weekend is the Apple Cup here in Washington between Washington State University and University of Washington. Lots of ribbing back and forth; my favorite is the story of 200 Cougars (Washington State) who missed the game when they were trapped on a broken escalator. 

[DrivingMissLazy]

I MAY BE A COUNTRY BOY BUT I DON'T THINK I'M THIS COUNTRY.

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

"So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."