Joke of the week # 19

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

Texas Justice

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.

[RJ]

Nick -

That one quacked me up!!

[rayshound]

 




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                             Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave
right behind her.  After all, she never called or came back to work, so
how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early.  She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her boss!  Gently she closed the door and crept
out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed.  "I almost got caught yesterday."

[pipes]

      Broke Back Mountain Lady



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys
applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought
long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of
them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.



Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good
job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday
night.



He returned around 2:30 a m, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.



"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed.



"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.



"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots.



"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.



"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.



Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired!"

[JerryH]

Ok, so this isn't quite a joke, but rather a Video at YouTube.com.

I've seen it a few times and I just saw it again and thought I'd share.

*** WARNING ***  Ok, it's a Chris Rock video ... but it's so friggin' funny.  Yes, it has some choice words (again, it's by Chris Rock) so if you don't like that kinda stuff ... don't click on the link.  -- and it's so true too --

"How Not To Get Your A%$ Kicked By The Police"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3L48lDsC-4

[DrivingMissLazy]

Since this fits my situation so closely, I am going to the local WalMart today and apply.

WAL-MART APPLICATION



This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to



Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME:Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY:$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVE MENT:My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

! REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:1:30-3:30 p.m.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs. ?:Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:</B>On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

[RTS/Daytona]

 NEW ELEMENT FOUND!

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named 'Governmentium'. Governmentium (Gv) Has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.       

[Lee Bradley]

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the
store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed
the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit
something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia,
you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!