Joke of the Week # 10

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

Too Many Buttons

A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."

He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.

Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.

Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

[pipes]

A friend came walking up to me crouching forward.......I asked him "whats the matter with you"...he replied... I shi* my pants..I said well stand up straight ,it won't look so bad, he said.... I WILL, BUT I'm not finished yet !

[edvanland]

Thanks to both of you for the laughs.
ED
MCI 7

[kyle4501]

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

  I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my privates and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[Brian Diehl]

Oh man!!!!!  Thanks for the laugh this morning!

[RJ]

This was sent to me yesterday morning. . . enjoy!!

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York state.  She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.  She referred to her career as a New York Senator, and how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".  At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name of  Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs as to how they came to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.

[DrivingMissLazy]

How true, how true.
Richard

This was sent to me yesterday morning. . . enjoy!!

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York state.  She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.  She referred to her career as a New York Senator, and how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".  At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name of  Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs as to how they came to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.

[Lee Bradley]

News from North of the border - Manitoba Herald ( Canada )

      The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

      The actions of President Bush are prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens, who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

      Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

      "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

      In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.

      So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

      Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water.

      "They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

      When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.

      Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

      In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.

      After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.

      "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

      Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

      "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

      In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada , Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.

      "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said, "when pigs grow wings and fly."