Joke of the Week #30

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

Do You Drink too much coffee?

You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .    " DALLAS"


Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.


You ski uphill.


You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.


You speed walk in your sleep.


You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."


You answer the door before people knock.


You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.


You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.


You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.


You sleep with your eyes open.


You have to watch videos in fast-forward.


The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.


You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.


You lick your coffeepot clean.


You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."


You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.


You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.


Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.


You chew on other people's fingernails.


The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.


Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."


Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.


You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.


You can jump-start your car without cables.


Cocaine is a downer.


All your kids are named "Joe."


You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.


Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."


You don't sweat, you percolate.


You buy milk by the barrel.


You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.


You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.


You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.


You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.


Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.


You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.


People get dizzy just watching you.


When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."


You've worn the finish off your coffee table.


The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.


Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.


Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.


You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.


People can test their batteries in your ears.


Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.


Instant coffee takes too long.


You channel surf faster without a remote.


When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

[Lee Bradley]

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."

Actually mine says "Death before Decaf".

[edvanland]

Just give me coffee, forget the cream & sugar and make it black and also just leave the pot and save yourself a lot of steps.
ED
MCI 7
Cornville AZ

[Kristinsgrandpa]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second ti me attempted the step Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled,"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends. 


Ed

[Ednj]

The Value of a Drink



"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink



I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think



about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes



and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out



of work and their dreams would be shattered.



Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their



dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."



~ Jack Handy



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
What the hell happened to your bra and panties.



"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they



wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're



going to feel all day. "



Frank Sinatra




WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.



"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."



~ Henry Youngman



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.



"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."



~ Stephen Wright



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.



"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,



we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.



When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all



get drunk and go to heaven!"



~ Brian O'Rourke



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.



"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."



~ Benjamin Franklin



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.



"Without question, the greatest invention in the


history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
Wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does


not go nearly as well with pizza."


~ Dave Barry


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.



To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!


~ Dave Howell


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Calvin, of Cheers.


One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Calvin was explaining the " Buffalo Theory"
to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as
fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not

[akbusguy2000]

Alas, my endocronologist has forced me to give up the demon rum, so I had to buy myself some of these:

http://www.beerleaguethemovie.com/beergogglesflash.htm

tg

[Dreamscape]

 A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."