Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less
then 6 seconds - AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box,
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused as to its size,
the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box
back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
Two West Virginia hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly w alks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe a gain, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of dat dere 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"
The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."
The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"
Ed
Two bus owners decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing four hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits. Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes. TomC said "Hey we should mark this spot so we will know where to come". Captain Ron says "good idea" and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the bottom of the boat....to mark the spot.... With that TomC says, "why did you do that? Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.
A Father - Daughter conversation:
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."
;)
Never ask a bus nut what kind of bus he owns.
If he owns a 4106 he will tell you - if he doesn't you don't want to embarrass him.
Quote from: NJT 5573 on March 08, 2007, 10:44:25 PM
Two bus owners decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing four hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits. Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes. TomC said "Hey we should mark this spot so we will know where to come". Captain Ron says "good idea" and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the bottom of the boat....to mark the spot.... With that TomC says, "why did you do that? Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.
To which Capt. Ron replied "Yeah, I guess you're right, we might not get this boat tomorrow"
Quote from: larryc on March 09, 2007, 12:19:08 AM
Never ask a bus nut what kind of bus he owns.
If he owns a 4106 he will tell you - if he doesn't you don't want to embarrass him.
'Man, that's just MEAN. That's MEAN, man.' Fairfax
That is soooooo offensive for you guys to think I would do something like that. I actually drill a hole in the bottom of the boat so I can get my line back in the exact same spot. ;D
I was leaving the lake one day with a bucket of slightly under the size limit walley. When Jack Conrad who was a warden back then asked me where I was going with those illegal fish. I said these are not illegal fish they are pet fish and I bring them down to the lake for a swim every once in a while and when I'm ready to leave I just whistle and they swim back to the bucket and I take them home. He replied "bull crap" "prove it" So I dump the fish in the water and they start swimming away in different directions. After five minutes Jack says now whistle and call the fish back. I said "what fish"
Children's Science Exam Answers
If you need a laugh, then read these answers:
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All Water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no Water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get Intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his Adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.G., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the Borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .
Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Captain;
Of coarse I'd be listening in and offer to buy the trained fish you had.
But that cold have worked out a lot better if the fish had been one of those hybrid crosses between Coho, Walley and Musky. I believe the biologists call it a "Kowalski" and have so far been unable to teach it to swim.
tg
"Kowalski, the last American hero, to whom speed means freedom of the soul"
(https://busconversionmagazine.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ultrajosh.com%2Fimages%2Fvanishingpoint2.jpg&hash=c24652e34409dd98644ae0a5d19d868164b10817)
Jeremy
Quote from: NJT 5573 on March 08, 2007, 10:44:25 PM
Two bus owners decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing four hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits. Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes. TomC said "Hey we should mark this spot so we will know where to come". Captain Ron says "good idea" and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the bottom of the boat....to mark the spot.... With that TomC says, "why did you do that? Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.
Ahh, this sounds so familar! But when Dallas an I went an I used a water proof magic marker to put the X on the bottom of the boat, Dallas yelled "You dummy, suppose'n we don't get the same boat next time!" FWIW BK ;D
Quote from: JackConrad on March 09, 2007, 06:15:48 AM
Quote from: NJT 5573 on March 08, 2007, 10:44:25 PM
Two bus owners decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing four hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits. Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes. TomC said "Hey we should mark this spot so we will know where to come". Captain Ron says "good idea" and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the bottom of the boat....to mark the spot.... With that TomC says, "why did you do that? Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.
To which Capt. Ron replied "Yeah, I guess you're right, we might not get this boat tomorrow"
Opps, I guess I shoulda read farther! LOL! BK ;D
Pay Attention
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white
sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."