THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!
Something Went Wrong in Jet
Crash, Expert Says
No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run
Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work
after Death
No-good-for- nothing' lazy so-and-sos!
Juvenile Court to Try
Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
You think?!
Cold Wave Linked to
Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for
Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for
Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts
Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by
7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your
turn to spread the stupidity and send this to
someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh,
at least once a day
For a while, we had a roadside sign in the Dallas area, I still wish I'd taken a picture. The text?
This Sign is Not in Service.
(in fairness, it was in advance of new illuminated high water warning sign, that hadn't yet been hooked up).
Arthur
A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."
So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.
While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift." . "So, how'd you break your arm?
Ed.
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that stupid monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Dale
Bubba's Baptism
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic--and
since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such
a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a
Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass---and the
Priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a
Baptist and raised as a Baptist but now you are Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The
priest was called immediately by the neighbors.
As the Priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, and
prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba,
clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled
over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a
deer, but now you are catfish.
Thanks to all for some laughs.
ED
MCI 7
Ring, Ring-Ring
>
>**"Hello?"**
>**"Hi honey.**
>**This is Daddy.**
>**Is Mommy near the phone?"**
>
>**"No, Daddy.**
>**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."**
>
>**After a brief pause,**
>**Daddy says,**
>**"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."**
>**"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy. Right now."**
>
>Brief Pause.
>
>**"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
>**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
>**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
>**That Daddy's car just pulled i nto th e driveway."**
>**"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."**
>
>**A few minutes later**
>**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
>**"I did it, Daddy."**
>
>**"And what happened, honey?" He asked.**
>**"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran
>around screaming.**
>**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
>**And now she isn't moving at all!"**
>
>**"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"**
>**"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
>**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
>**And into the swimming pool.**
>**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
clean
>it.; He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
>
>*****Long Pause*****
>*****Longer Pause*****
>*****Even Longer Pause*****
>
>**Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"**
>**No, I think you have the wrong number.......**
>
________________________________________________________
TEN THINGS TO PONDER FOR 2007
10. Life is sexually transmitted.
9. Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6. Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???
2. In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
1. AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
Thanks to Brenda. New owner of DML
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Three women, two younger and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. One of the young women pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The other looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager," she said - "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman placed the palm or her hand against her ear and began a conversation. When she finished, she explained: "that was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."
The older woman felt very low tech, but not to be outdone, decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and said she needed to go to the bathroom. She returned with a long piece of toilet paper hanging from her butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. When the older woman was sure to have their attention, she said: "well, will you look at that -- I'm getting a fax."
The Way Children See Things
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year- old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
FUNERALS
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear